*Disclaimer: The following is as true as I can possibly allow myself to be truthful and as appropriate as I can be while remaining honest. I never wanted to get involved with writing a blog for the sheer “shock and awe” aspect of writing. My desire is to be informative, interesting, entertaining and most of all, ingenuous. Having said that, today’s’ entry is quite controversial and I pray my words create more understanding than controversy. My plan is to discuss sex as it pertains to a marriage and Endometriosis. In three parts I will tackle an issue that thousands of couples struggle with daily.
Part I
Up until about three years ago, if anyone asked me to define love the word sex was sure to be an intricate part of the definition. Sex is a word that doesn’t necessarily evoke the same thoughts or feelings in my relationship as it once had or that it will. Anyone who has suffered from or at the very least, is familiar with Endometriosis is very much aware that sex is… an issue.
In order to be completely candid and transparent, the sex issue has to start well before my wife’s diagnosis or even our marriage. The sex issue has to start with me. As I said, my understanding of love was so deeply intertwined with sex that they were often seen as fraternal twins in my eyes rather than the distant cousins they actually are. I learned the hard way through much more error than trial that understanding the difference between sex and love is imperative to having a fruitful and meaningful relationship.
I ruined my first marriage. I ruined it because the equation I used for love was as follows: sex2 x sex = love. In order words, the more sex I received the more I was assured that I was loved. It was as if having a vivacious sex life was no longer a component of a love life; it was the vey proof that love existed. From experience I can say that not only was the thinking flawed, it was incredibly dangerous. Combining sex with love or desire creates an insatiable need to feel…
I have had and continue to have issues with lust. I don’t have issues with sex because my wife is the only woman I am having sex with. Since the first day of my marriage I cannot honestly say that she is the only woman I have lusted after. I have seen women and allowed my mind to dangerously flow freely with thoughts of being “loved” by other women. What’s the danger? They are just thoughts…
Thoughts are soon manifested into action, which is usually followed by consequence. It is for that reason that I freely and openly admit that I am not the type of man to just engage in harmless fantasy. I believe that we all have our demons. Some are plagued by alcoholism and others fall prey to drug abuse. Drugs have never been an issue in my life and although I enjoy the occasional glass of wine or beer, I am the quintessential social drinker.
I’m sure there are men who are able to subscribe to Playboy magazine or occasionally frequent a strip bar but I am not one of them. I do not put myself in social situations, regardless of how innocent they may seem that may cause a loss of judgment. I don’t… because I can’t. I know the dangers of Internet pornography because they are more than just pictures or movies. They are a beckoning call, a false belief that the act I am witnessing is performed as a desire for emotional closeness. Sound silly? I agree. The idea that a woman who knows nothing about me nor will ever know me could possibly be saying, “I love you” with a perverse sexual act is ludicrous. As ludicrous, I suppose, as the thought that a bottle of Jack Daniel’s or a crack pipe can not only mask pain but also temporarily solve problems.
So now that I have painted myself to be a sexual deviant, how did I get… here? It’s simple. It was the love for my wife I discovered well before we were intimate. I felt her before I ever touched her. She opened closed eyes to the possibility that love and sex are independent entities that are self-reliant and self-sufficient. She taught me that the emotional bond that two people create is stronger than a physical attachment. I became acutely aware of my inadequacies but more importantly, my desire to correct them. Melissa was the alternative to the mistakes that I have been making for years. From the very beginning, I wanted this woman to never feel the damaging grief of my lack of self-control. Through these conscious efforts I begin to heal.
At no time during our marriage have I been tempted to be unfaithful to my wife. I fear not only the loss of what we have developed; I fear the deterioration of the self-respect that I developed for myself. This feat has been the result of prayer, faith and complete disclosure. I talk to God first, asking Him to help during my weakest moments. He answers by giving my wife the gift of understanding and patience. We have made a covenant, she knows my weakness and as long as I never succumb she will listen with non-judging ear. God has an amazing way of removing the guilt, shame and the desire for the things in our lives that torment us.
I have developed a disdain for pornography and I see strip clubs as useless fantasy. I check my ego when I find myself feeding into the flirtatious nature of a waitress or bartender and I speak to women as if my wife were standing next to me. The mistakes I have made in my past were due to ignorance and stupidity. I refuse to allow myself to return to a place of either one. I have not found myself in the lonely place of tear-filled remorse in years because God’s grace is sufficient and I will never surrender to the idea that I am “cured.”
As a reward for my diligence, I no longer view sex as proof of love; I see sex as an expression of love. I see it as the finishing spice or secret ingredient to an existing recipe of honesty, devotion, communication, and of course an ample helping of respect. Together they make for an amazing marriage that creates a plethora of emotions and flavors on the palate of our lives.
But what happens when the spice is interrupted…
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