Part III The Discovery
If I gave the impression that this would be the grand finale, I apologize. There is no grand finale in life but one, and unfortunately it lacks a curtain call or final applause. No, life is nothing more than a series crescendos and diminuendos. There are ups and downs, zeniths and nadirs, but life is not over until it’s over. Please do not read into the inevitable and abrupt halt of life to be threatening, instead see it as a countdown, a constant reminder that life is too short to take moments for granted – especially moments of intimacy.
There is a peculiar tug-of-war that exists in the sexual lives of most married couples- most honest married couples. No one teaches us how to love. There are no lessons regarding the expectations of marriage. I don’t mean sharing the now cliché, “good times and bad times.” I mean the dirty stuff, the naked and revealing sessions of vulnerability. Most of what we learn from marriage is derived from the relationships we have witnessed in our personal lives. If our parents did a decent job at perpetuating a “successful marriage” then we have a better chance. If we happened to have an aunt and uncle or maybe grandparents who have defied the staggering statistics regarding marriage and divorce, then we face marriage with a “can’t lose” attitude. Unfortunately for many of us, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes we walk into marriage with a distorted view of the marriage institution. If our parents struggled with marriage, given up after feeble attempts of making it work, then we face marriage believing that divorce is a viable option. We place separation in our back pocket like a wild card to be used at the first sign of unhappiness, or worse what we perceive as sexual incompatibility.
Which invokes the subject of waiting until marriage. I give full credit and admiration to anyone who has made the conscious decision to refrain from sexual activity until their wedding night. I feared this concept, as most people do, because I felt that I would be trapped in a marriage with someone who didn’t meet my intimacy requirements. What a terrible discovery it would be if on my wedding night the woman whom I’ve pledged my life to was not good in bed. This is the immaturity that plagues most of us, including myself. The reality is that most people are more comfortable engaging in sexual activity than talking about it. For most, the thought of a one-night stand is less intimidating than an in-depth conversation about a meaningful and long lasting sexual relationship. It would only make sense that “test-driving” would be favored over thorough, exhaustive research.
What I’ve found is that open and honest communication facilitates the evolution of a healthy and happy marriage. Evolution being synonymous with change, the “test-drive” becomes obsolete. In my marriage, Endometriosis has forced open the doors of communication. There now exists a third party that we never invited into our boudoir. A voyeur whose mission is not only to witness but to also divide. We have made the decision to not just work around the problem but to confront it head on. Confrontation of this magnitude requires creating a fortified union that can withstand the perils of an attack. My wife and I have found ourselves sitting face to face and fully clothed having long conversations about our needs and our desires. We have been forced to be candid and honest about a subject matter that was once taboo in our marriage. We no longer look to our parents or our past to answer our questions about marriage. We have also learned that the media’s portrayal of love is nothing more than someone’s idealistic and unrealistic view. The movies don’t discuss painful sex or hurt feelings due to long periods of drought. Books rarely discuss the awkwardness of licentious innovation. The reality is that open conversations are often upsetting and shocking. To look your lover in the eye and confess a desire or fantasy exposes yourself to scrutiny and judgment from the closest person in your life. The reward is a deeper and more meaningful connection.
I don’t believe that Endometriosis was the only path to the enlightenment that my wife and I are discovering. I want to believe that it would prove to be a natural and eventual course our marriage would take. As a casualty of divorce, I can’t say for certain that this would take place. You see it is the love and devotion that I have to my wife that gave me the courage to pause and embark upon this issue with my wife. Would it have been unforgivable if I put my needs before hers and breech the boundaries of our marriage? Absolutely. Unforgivable but not inconceivable. I am not soliciting nor do I believe that I deserve credit or recognition for working on my marriage. I am not special nor am I exceptional for doing what men have been doing since the beginning of time – being a man. However, I do want to be honest and say that it wasn’t easy. My first thought was not to stay. My first thought was to be selfish and self-serving. The thought lasted just long enough for me to imagine a life without Melissa. The image of my life without my greatest blessing thus far was frightening. There were no options but to put my wife before me. Here is the part of marriage that I love – when selfish needs are second to both husband and wife, those needs become the priority of the partner. Pleasing my wife has become the motivation and foundation for my life. Pleasing me has become hers. There are moments of selfishness but they are far outweighed by periods of selflessness. It is a slow deliberate race, a stroll without destination or expectation.
I encourage the reader to evaluate their relationship. I beg of you, do not use my words or my marriage as a foundation or backdrop for your own. Marriage, or a relationship of any kind, is a process of discovery. You must be willing to discover yourself and make a true assessment of who you are and what you bring to any relationship. You must be willing to criticize and honestly analyze your worth to yourself and your partner. After doing so, you stand to learn that change and improvement comes first from within.
Sex is more than a spice. It is more than an ingredient. It is a necessary aspect of marriage that should be used to strengthen an existing bond not to create one. The couple involved in a relationship should define a fulfilling sex life for themselves. No other people, guidelines, definitions, expectations, or experiences should be used to create doctrine for the sexual relationship between two people. In our relationship, Endometriosis has forced us to write this doctrine. The love we have for one another is the backdrop for this doctrine. The rules and requirements change daily, sometimes without notice. The only constant is that our goal is to make each other happy.
My wife and I are constantly uncovering the mysteries of our bodies and our desires. With every sensual and seductive moment we unearth a new element of each other and ourselves. At times the romance is incredible and at others the emotional solitude is unbearable. Through it all, our objective remains the same – having an incredible marriage.
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